Caring for Siblings and Non-Related Placements
Tips for Caring for Fostered Siblings and Non-related Children
When thinking about fostering more than one child you need to consider much more than available bedroom space. Of great importance is your availability to meet the individual needs of each child which sometimes will be conflicting. Keeping siblings together in one family is considered in their best interest unless there is a particular reason why this is not appropriate. As a fostering agency, Horizon Fostering Services is committed to keeping brothers and sisters together, if we can.
Siblings come in all ages and group sizes and with very large sibling groups it is not always practical to keep brothers and sisters together. Caring for more than one child can have its challenges. The term ‘sibling squabble’, is quite normal and one of the ways children learn to share, take turns, and generally develop healthy relationships with others.
So, what can you do to make things easier for them and yourselves:
Family dynamics and roles
When a fostered child comes to stay with you it’s a new situation for you and them. They join your family with their own preconceived ideas of family life and roles. It may be the older child in a sibling group had a parental role and finds it hard to hand this over to you. It doesn’t have to be a battle if you work sensitively and think about age-appropriate ways they can continue to help with siblings. At the same time, you should introduce activities of interest that refocus the child’s understanding of being a child. Sometimes a child’s contact with birth parents can reverse progress however you should continue to reinforce what you know to be best for that child.
Acknowledge when things are going well
Often a lot of attention is given to moments when children are bickering and not getting on well. Instead, let children know you have noticed them playing well together, being considerate of each other, etc. Children thrive on positivity and praise from adults.
A fair approach
In daily events, in and out of the home, ensure each child gets a turn with fun and exciting things. Things like finding items in the supermarket, pushing the button at the traffic lights, and sitting by the window on the bus or train. What seems small to an adult can be a big thing for a child. Rewards should be given evenly to avoid one child being seen by the others as favoured. Try to avoid comparing one child with another as this is tough for a child to hear.
Teach empathy
During childhood, a child is getting to grips with lots of different emotions. Caring for more than one child at different developmental stages can present difficulties. There are helpful age-appropriate books that explain how you can nurture empathy in children from a young age. Helping a child to think about how someone else is feeling in certain situations, how they might feel if it were them, and to respond to the other with care.
One-to-one time
Connect with a child daily if possible as it helps build a secure relationship and becomes part of that special ritual for you and that child. They become confident of your presence; each connection with the child has a lasting impact and gives the child the support and reassurance they need. It can be 15 minutes of bedtime reading, an activity you do together, helping prepare the evening meal, sitting with them, and going through their homework. Your lifestyle and relationship will dictate the frequency and timing for what is best in your household.
Privacy and ownership
A child does not need their own bedroom to have private space. Children can have their own area in a shared bedroom, a drawer, shelf, or area in a cupboard they can call their own. The expectation is each child takes responsibility for their space. Boundaries are discussed collectively so everyone is clear about what is off limits, what is shared, and permission sought before one child touches or uses items in another’s space.
Zero tolerance for aggression
During childhood some children exhibit rebellious and deviant behaviours, sometimes this may include verbal and physical aggression, especially at times of stress/change like parental separation, a new sibling, etc. When children fight, they need to be calmly separated and allowed to calm down in separate spaces. Over time children usually develop impulse control and emotional self-regulation skills unless there are factors that interfere with this process. Children need limits that keep them and everyone else safe. They also need to have their feelings acknowledged and accepted be they positive or negative. This is how they learn to care about other people’s feelings.
Give clear expectations
Communication is key, letting children know you understand they will have differences from time to time however each other’s differences should be respected. Talking about differences and learning to share are necessary social skills for everyday life.
Stay calm
This is one of the priority qualities for fostering because children pick up on your mood and model your behaviour. The constructive way you deal with stresses and challenging situations sets the scene for important life skills while keeping children feeling happy and secure.
NOTE: these tips also apply to fostering while parenting and grandparenting. It’s about cultivating a home environment with strong and supportive relationships all children have with each other and with you.
